The Hitchhiker' Guide to the Mummy
by Snow2387
Summary: The 42nd post here! My combination of the movie the mummy and the great book the Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy. deleated originally by me,a huge mistake, if you reviewed it before, please do it again. read and review, it's funny.
1. Thank

Chapter 1  
  
1950 BC Ancient Egypt  
Zaphod Beetlebrox was a guy with a strange name. Zaphod was madly in love with Trillian, the pharaoh's mistress, whom no one else was allowed to touch. For his love, he was willing to risk it all and screwed her every chance he got.   
  
And we all know what happened next; they got caught, and in desperation they attacked and killed the pharaoh (Why? I don't know) Zaphod escaped the guards and Trillian killed herself so that Zaphod could resurrect her with his magical weird powers.   
Zaphod and his minions retrieved Trillian's body and planned on resurrecting her but before they could finish, the guards found Zaphod, and Trillian was left dead. Zaphod's fate, in his own words, "sucked."  
  
He ended up being put in a sarcophagus in the city of the dead, Islington, with a bunch of scarab beetles, which eat poop, so he starved to death in the sarcophagus, while the beetles kept it clean for him. It is said that if Zaphod is ever brought back to life he will destroy the world and make everyone as bored as he was while he died.  



	2. you

Chapter 2  
  
1924 AD the lost city of Islington  
"Ready, aim, fire!" yelled Arthur Dent. His battalion fired, bringing down many dolphin warriors who were protecting the city. "Marvin," exclaimed Arthur. "Get back here, don't run, soon the lost tea treasure will be ours!"  
Marvin stared at the approaching dolphins and ran off screaming, "I will not waste my intelligent life fighting for tea, I'm depressed, not a coward!"  
  
Arthur sighed and as he did so he failed to notice that the rest of his battalion had been killed. He looked up to realize that he was totally surrounded by dolphins. He closed his eyes and prepared to be shot or bitten to death. He waited…  
He opened his eyes slowly and saw that the dolphins were gone. He breathed a sigh of relief but stopped when we saw something so terrifying that his sigh became a feminine sounding scream. Down in the sand…there was a shape. It looked like a book.   
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Arthur yelled as loudly as he could when he saw what it was and ran into the desert, not noticing the dolphins sitting on the top of a cliff, aiming their guns at him.  
  
  
  
Wonko, the leader of the dolphins was chatting with another dolphin. "Wonko," says the dolphin, " shall we kill him?" He spoke of the fleeing Arthur.  
Wonko replied, "No, the desert will kill him," as he watched Arthur walk into the nearest Starbucks.   



	3. for

Chapter 3  
  
1928, in a town in Egypt, specifically a cello shop  
"The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind." Sang Fenchurch, playing the melody on her cello. This song she had never heard before but she knew it by heart, it just felt right to her. She was really getting into it and closed her eyes to fly away with the song when she heard a loud band and was so startled she jumped up and knocked over 42 cellos.   
  
"Ford!" she yelled at her drunken brother who had startled her when he fell down, "Look at what you made me do!" She glared at her brother.  
  
  
"Sorry Fenny, but do I have for a you surprise," Ford Prefect garbled to his sister. He reached into his pocket and realized that it was in his other pocket. He reached into his other pocket and realized it was not there as well and went back to the first pocket. He spent a half hour like this, rummaging through his pocket, until he scratched his head and realized it was in his hand the entire time. He handed it to Fenchurch.  
  
"Wow, where did you get this?" She asked, while looking at Ford with an odd glare in her eyes.  
"Oh, me borrowed it from a prisoner." "Well, I need to talk to him, can you take me to him?"  



	4. reading

Chapter 4  
  
As you may or have not already noticed, I haven't told you what it was that Ford found. I honestly didn't know what it should be but now that I've drawn attention to that I think it should be something. So, from this point on, Ford found a bowl of petunias. Why a bowl of petunias? Mind your own business.  
One other point I must make before we continue is that although Ford's last name is Prefect, that is not his unmarried sister's last name. Fenchurch is just Fenchurch, she doesn't have a last name, well, she might, but it isn't Prefect. Don't ask why, just smile, nod and turn the page.  



	5. my

Chapter 5  
  
Fenchurch and Ford went downtown but before they went to see the prisoner they stopped at Starbucks to get Ford some coffee so that he would sober up. They finally reached the jail where a scruffy looking man was being held.  
  
Ford spoke first, now that he is sober he makes a bit of sense, "Hello Mr. Dent, this is my sister, I borrowed your bowl of petunias, you can have it back."  
"Mr. Dent," Fenchurch cut in, "I've seen your map that's inside the bowl of petunias, have you been to Islington?" She asks, holding up the map to Islington.  
  
"Sure have."  
"Can you take us there?"  
"I would, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm kind of sentenced to die."  
"Oh. Well what did you do?"  
Arthur signaled for Fenchurch to move closer and whispered in her ear, "Because I said the word."  
"What word?"  
"You know, that one you can't say"  
"I have no idea what you're talking about."  
"Okay, I said, (his voice dropped to almost inaudible) Belgium."  
The guard standing near Arthur punched him in the stomach upon barely hearing that unspeakable word.  
"Can you take us to Islington?" asked Fenchurch again in a low voice.  
  
  
Arthur signaled for Fenchurch to move closer again and acted like he was going to whisper but as he drew closer he suddenly kissed her on the lips and the guards dragged him away to be killed in a very painful way. The Starbucks here does not sell Belgium chocolate coffee here for some bizarre reason.  



	6. story

Chapter 6  
  
Before continuing, you should know that not only does Arthur survive, he and Fenchurch eventually become a sickening lovey-dovey couple. So lovey-dovey that they get kissy-wissy every 5 minutes, much to the dismay of everyone around them.  
You might be wondering why Belgium is considered an unspeakable word. If you are, you should go mind your own business and write your own book.  



	7. please

Chapter 7  
  
Fenchurch ran to where Arthur was to be killed. He was to be thrown into a pit where a bear was that had a tendency of eating people that are suddenly thrown at it. Fenchurch knew that Arthur was the only person who could help her find Islington.   
She walked up to the man in charge of the executions whose name was Gag Halfront. She tried, unsuccessfully, to bribe him. He hesitated and almost let Arthur go but he didn't want that cute fuzzy-wuzzy bear to be deprived of a perfectly good meal, although the guy did look a little stringy. The man yelled, "start", and Arthur was thrown into the pit.  
Fenchurch watched in horror as people cheered for the bear as Arthur ran as fast as he could. She heard Ford, next to her, loudly cheering on the bear; she quickly turned and slapped him for being a jackass. Then she turned to Gag Halfront again and pleadingly she told him why she needed Arthur.  
  
"That man has been to Islington, he'll take us there and we will give you 10% of the tea if you let him go."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah"  
"Yes, now do we have a deal?" said Fenchurch quickly, knowing that Arthur could be being eaten this very second.  
"50%?" Argued Gag Halfront.  
"20%" responded Fenchurch.  
"35%?"  
  
"Fine, whatever" (not like she was planning on giving him any of their treasure anyway, come tomorrow they would never have to see this smelly man again) She turned away from him for a moment to hear Arthur using some language so bad that even Ford was   
shocked (no small feat.) He was still running and screaming like a woman in an early 60's sitcom, well if we wasn't cussing he would have been just like one.  
Gag Halfront yelled, "Woop!" the word that he had trained that bear to stop at. With this, the bear stopped in mid-growl, sat down and looked like a cute little teddy bear. Most people in the audience now wanted to hug it, which would not be too clever.  
Arthur climbed out of the pit and went to the barbershop to get his hair cut. After cowering in the corner for a minute, the barber threw some deodorant at him, waited for him to put it on and then cut his hair. Gag Halfront followed him, staying with the group to protect his investment. 


	8. review.

Chapter 8  
  
Arthur left the barbershop walking with his head held high, looking proud. Fenchurch looked at him and at once understood why, he was hot! He caught her staring and she quickly looked away pretending to be fascinated in her ever so interesting shoelaces.  
Arthur approached Fenchurch, "Hey Fenchurch."  
"Hello again Mr. Dent, will you guide us to Islington now?"  
"Sure, whatever, you did save my life." Ford joined them as they began to board a boat, so did Gag Halfront. "Hey, what's he doing here? He wanted me dead!" exclaimed Arthur."  
"I'm just zis guy, you know?" said Gag Halfront, which confuses everyone since it has nothing to do with anything that anyone is talking about.  
  
Together they all board the boat and Ford plays a game of poker with some Americans who are on board and got drunk. "Why're yall on this here boatie?" stammered Ford.  
"We're going to Islington, "stated one of them.  
"Oh? Too we!" yelped Ford."  
"Yeah, well we'll get there first, we have with us someone who's actually been there."   
Ford was about to say that they did too, well, those words in some order but he realized the Arthur was standing behind him and merely let some spit roll down his chin as he got a royal flush.  
  
Arthur turned to the Americans and said in a cold tone, "I'm willing to bet you that our group will get there first."  
"You're on!" exclaimed the American, taking another sip of his beer.  
  
Arthur knew that something was wrong, who could be leading these Americans? He saw a shadow move and quietly walked to where we saw someone familiar. "Well, well, if it isn't the coward himself, helping these Americans. Americans don't even like tea."   
"Who me? Okay, yeah, but I'm not a coward, I'm just depressed," replied Marvin.  
"Well, I never lose a bet," snapped Arthur as he threw Marvin overboard.  
A little later, Arthur and Fenchurch were sitting alone on the deck since they were the only people still awake. They were sitting in a silence that Fenchurch would soon break.  
"Mr. Dent, why did you kiss me?"  
"Well, I was hungry and you had some crumbs near your mouth. I had nothing to lose."  
"OOO!" squealed Fenchurch, who stormed off to her cabin.  
"What did I say?"  



	9. Rest

  
Chapter 9  
  
  
The boat went down the Nile, getting closer and closer to the legendary Islington. The dolphins saw the approaching boat and knew that they must take action to prevent the creature from being released. After they went to the bottom of the river to get some nice fish, they climbed on the boat and attacked.  
Meanwhile, Fenchurch was getting ready for bed. She brushed her teeth while she had trouble paying attention to the gentle 1,2 motion of scrubbing her teeth. Fenchurch always did love brushing her teeth. "Gosh," she told herself, "it wasn't that good of a kiss anyway, get a hold of yourself, a man has never distracted you from brushing your teeth before." Then she spat out the toothpaste, rinsed and went to bed.  
The dolphins crept down the hallways and sent a dolphin into each room to search for the map, which they oddly knew was on board. The first room, of course, is Fenchurch's. When she saw the dolphin enter her room she became terrified and tried to fly away, only to realize that she can't fly. While this was going on the dolphins had set a rapidly spreading fire to the ship. Fire crept through Fenchurch's room. She picked up the bowl of petunias that was now on fire and threw it at the dolphin that fell overboard yelping. Ha ha.  
Everyone was out on the deck once the fire had spread; they dove off to escape the flames. Fenchurch and Arthur found each other in the flames and he asked her if she could swim.  
"Well, yeah, of course I can Mr. Dent, but it's not like I need to now, we're 5 feet from shore in water that is 3 feet deep. Most of the people that were on this boat are dead because they dove into the water and hit their heads."  
"Oh, then I guess we better do cannonballs, huh?" Everyone left on the boat yelled "CANNONBALL!!!" and made a huge splash.  
  



	10. in

Chapter 10  
  
The survivors of the fire gathered their supplies on the shore of the river. Fenchurch had lost all of her clothes and the nearby Starbucks wasn't selling any so much to Arthur's "dismay" Fenchurch had to stay in her little nightgown. The entire group, including the Americans stood besides the river, facing north and watching the sun that normally comes from the east go up. They all watched it so carefully that Marvin didn't even flinch when a bird pooped all over him, although Fenchurch, did notice, giggled and turned back to stare at the sun which was burning holes in everyone's retinas.  
Suddenly, something appeared in the rays of the sun, a city, to the north, it smelled strongly of tea. Without a second thought, the Americans rode off on their horses to win the bet and Arthur followed close behind them, cheering on his camel. Eventually, Arthur and Fenchurch both pulled ahead and reached the lost city of the dead, Islington.  
They got up and scraped some tea off the building and smelled it. Arthur remarked at the quality of it. Within minutes everyone had gotten there, was gazing at the tea and talking about how lucky they were. Arthur handed out guns to everyone, explaining that you must be prepared for everything. Of course, seconds after Arthur handed out the guns they were surrounded by dolphins.  
A fight ensued, (duh) in which many people looked stupid, including Fenchurch who fell over while trying to fire a gun. Arthur used this opportunity to show off how brave he was by fearlessly attacking the dolphins. Finally, he found himself totally trapped and used his last resort. He lit a match, and put it to his butt, and said if they came any closer he would do a flaming fart and kill them all. Wonko instructed all the dolphins to leave but before they did he spoke, " Fine, we will leave but you must too, leave this place, or die." With that, the dolphins were gone.  
Everyone went down into the lower levels where they began to search for something the ultimate treasure. Gag Halfront still followed around Fenchurch, why, he had no idea, I guess he thought there was more treasure to be found and wanted a share in the profits, but it's not like he had any idea what he was thinking.   



	11. peace

Chapter 11   
  
Fenchurch is not at Islington for the tea. No, she is not, although she does like tea. She is here to look for a book, the book of the interest, one written in ancient times, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. This book is priceless and although it is written in ancient Egyptian, reading it will make the world smile, be happy, and all that good stuff.  
Of course, Fenchurch does not realize that she has made one of her hugest mistakes ever by getting the burial place of this miraculous book mixed up with the burial place of the most unmiraculous book ever.   



	12. DNA,

Chapter 12  
  
Everyone went to explore the city without finding much. Suddenly scarab beetles surrounded the entire group. Fenchurch saw her boring life flash before her eyes but was interrupted by Arthur's laughter.  
  
"Hey buggy!" he yelled to the beetles that weren't attacking. "I'm sorry, there's no poop here you can eat, try next door." (In case you didn't know, scarab beetles eat poop, not people, as the Mummy would have you believe.)  
The bug swamp moved closer and closer to Gag Halfront who was busy cleaning his nails. The entire swamp then ate him and left.   
"I thought they only eat fecal matter," remarked Fenchurch.  
"They do only eat poop," responded Ford, " I always knew there was something funny about that man."  
  
Everyone then set up for bed in tents that had appeared. Ford discovered that Gag Halfront has brought some wine with him and it was in his tent; this pleased him greatly. When Ford was done (passed out cold), Arthur took the bottle   
and he decided that he would have a drinking contest with the dainty Fenchurch. One drink and she was totally drunk.   
With this, Arthur decided it was time to chat with the usually uptight Fenchurch who was dancing around singing about some kind of meatloaf. "Fenchurch?" he asked her, "are you drunk?"  
  
"No, drunk I'm never!!" she stammered.  
"Okay good, then we can continue our drink contest." She drank a bit more and changed her tune and started singing Yellow Submarine, which hadn't been written yet, but shhh, that's our little secret.   
"So Fenchurch, what exactly are we looking for here?"  
"The book, the book, book, book, book!"  
"Oh, I see." Responded the indifferent Arthur.  
"You do? Well I see you!!!! Wow, we must be, mate souls. Me think I'll kiss you, Mr. Dent."  
"It's Arthur."  
"Oh, okay, Arthur"  
She moved in closer and was about to kiss him when she threw up all over him, much to his dismay. Arthur learned his lesson though that Fenchurch has a very low tolerance for alcohol.  



	13. the

Chapter 13  
  
The Americans and the English people (Englishmen?) traveled into the depths of Islington. They all dug and got dirty. The Americans found a book where the English people were looking but had gone for a tea break so the Americans looked at their dig site. This book, one of them read the cover, was an algebra textbook, which made them all shudder in fear. One of them noticed the curse inscribed on the cover and read it out loud in a shaking voice, "The ones who open this book will be bored to death by the creature if they are ever awoken, oh, well we don't plan to wake up a creature so who cares about this dumb curse."   
Seconds before they opened it, Marvin, who was with the group ran away to get away from the curse, yet again proclaiming that he was depressed, not a coward. The Americans then opened the book, it was algebra all right and no one dared read it out loud. The man in charge, his name was Bob (why not?) took the book with him and they left the city grounds to go back to their tents, Bob held onto the book and fell asleep with it in his arms.  
  
Later that night, everyone was asleep. Fenchurch snuck down where Bob was holding the book and carefully removed it from his arms, unable to see the cover. Arthur, always a light sleeper, awoke and told Fenchurch that she was stealing (duh). He warned her not to mess around with that, and maybe not read it.  
She laughed and told him one totally wrong thing. "No harm every came from reading a book." She opened it and began to read aloud, "y=fx plus b to the a minus.. " She stopped in fear, realizing the ground was shaking and this book was definitely not the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.   
Bob awoke with the shaking and yelled, "YOU MUSTN'T READ FROM THE BOOK!" But it was obviously too late and he had no good reason to yell that, it only made him look stupid.   
Everyone began to run because there was a swarm of words coming that was so boring that it made everyone stumble. All of the Americans except Bob were overcome by the boredom that they keeled over. The shapeless creature that was following them quickly swallowed their brains and it used them to help himself become a complete monster dude. Bob escaped with the English people and they fled to a nearby city. 


	14. best

Chapter 14  
  
If you have seen the Mummy, you know that most of the Americans were killed later on in the story. I am killing most of them off now because they are pointless characters who exist only to be killed, like most of the characters in this story, actually like all of the characters in this story, only more so.  



	15. author

  
Chapter 15  
  
Marvin however, did not escape. He, in his fear (depression) stayed where he was. Zaphod, recently brought back into existence by the reading of the book, walked over to him and they began conversing. Marvin of course can speak ancient Egyptian, who can't these days?  
Zaphod looked at Marvin and saw the fear but also the greed in him. He turned to him and said, "I will reward you greatly if you help me find your friends who opened the book." With that he held out his hand that was full of treasures behind his wildest dreams (Actually beyond mine too, I can't come up with what they were).  
Marvin grinned and led Zaphod to the city where he knew the group was going.   



	16. ever.

Chapter 16  
Meanwhile, Fenchurch, Arthur, Ford and Bob were in a hotel in some city. Bob was terrified because the curse was coming true and soon his brain would be devoured as well and the creature would be at full strength.  
Suddenly, Wonko the dolphin appeared from out of a corner followed by some other nameless dolphins. Everyone who had a gun put it up, Ford didn't have a gun so he held up a spoon. Wonko said, "now, now, put down the weapons, we only want to talk." They did so, Ford cautiously lowered his spoon.  
"For years, we the dolphins have guarded the city of Islington to prevent the creature, Zaphod, from being raised. Now that we have failed, thanks to you, the world will be bored to death. He is very strong and will be stronger once he has killed all who opened the book of the boring. There is no mortal way to kill this creature, we would appreciate your assistance in killing Zaphod."  
  
"Okay," answered Fenchurch, realizing that it was all her fault, "we will come with you to help." Arthur actually didn't feel like helping he would rather go home and drink tea but went along to look like a hero in front of Fenchurch.   
Wonko looked pleased. "Come along then, he is already raising his followers from the grave, beware the politicians." With that he walked out the door, expecting them to follow. They didn't, so he came back, told them to follow and then walked out the door again.  
  



	17. So

Chapter 17  
  
Meanwhile, Bob because of his selfish typical American ways went down to the nearest Starbucks to get a mochacino to calm his nerves without telling anyone that he was going off alone. Of course, the minute he entered the Starbucks, his brain was eaten by Zaphod, which gave him full power since he had killed everyone who had originally opened the book. The other customers looked on idly, noticing that something was wrong but not quite sure what.  
  
Fenchurch ran in after she heard the screams and saw Bob's corpse. She calmly walked over next to it, threw her arms up in the air and started yelling, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"   
Ford looked at Fenchurch and said to her, "give it up Fenny, you missed your cue."  
  
Zaphod shot Fenchurch an odd look, one looking like love and said, "I will be back for you, my love," (gosh, that was random). With that, he walked out the door. Everyone simply forgot to try and stop him. Marvin even forgot to go with him and found himself surrounded by the people he had betrayed.  
"Well, well," said Arthur, "looks like we found our weakest link, why shouldn't we kill him?"  
"Please think of my children," pleaded Marvin.  
"You don't have any."  
"Yes, and you can thank me for that."  
"Cut the feces!" yelled Arthur, "What does Zaphod want?"  
"He wants the girl to sacrifice and a roll of toilet paper."  
"Well, he can have Fenchurch, but give toilet paper to that monster, never!" responded Arthur.  
"Hey!" said Fenchurch and kicked Arthur.  
"OWW! I was just kidding," said Arthur, and then mumbled under his breath, "not!"  
"Then you will all die," Stated Marvin very simply because it was a simple thing to sa  
Within seconds, Zaphod's minions, the politicians, surrounded the group. They covered their ears so they weren't tortured by the politicians' cries.  
"Not gonna do it."  
"Lockbox."  
"Stategery."  
"P-o-t-a-t-o-e."  
"Wouldn't be prudent."  



	18. long

  
Chapter 18  
  
"Looks like an end for our heroes, what will they do? Find out next week on..""SHUT UP FORD, THIS ISN'T A TV SHOW!" yelled Fenchurch.  
Zaphod stepped forward. With his 2 heads and 3 arms he was a hunk. He beckoned to Fenchurch, "Come with me and I'll spare your friends."  
Fenchurch took Zaphod up on this; she would die anyway, so why not? Zaphod grinned, "Okay, kill them all!" he instructed the politicians.   
  
Arthur felt a pang of remorse as he watched Fenchurch leave to a certain death. He wanted to be the hero! "I'll save her!" he said to himself and killed all the politicians.  
  
Ford (who had done nothing) rubbed his hands together and said in a menacing tone, "That's what you get when you mess with Ford Prefect."  
Arthur, Ford and Wonko set off after Zaphod. It wasn't hard to follow his size 24 footprints. They followed them into a Starbucks, out of it and directly back to Islington.   
Zaphod was leading Marvin and Fenchurch to where he knew Trillian's mummy was and where he could reincarnate her. Marvin roughly told Fenchurch to hurry up.  
  
"You know Marvin," she said truthfully, "you really smell bad."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah."  
Marvin sniffed his armpit quickly and had to agree with her, in fact, he almost fainted. What died in there?  
  
Ford suddenly realized that the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was what Fenchurch was looking for all along. Maybe if he found this interesting book, it would kill the boring Zaphod. He asked Arthur where he could find the book.  
Arthur responded, "Up your butt and around the corner." He obviously did not understand the importance of finding this book or thought that Ford was just drunk, which he probably was. Ford spent a half-hour looking for it there, only to discover that Arthur had been joking.   



	19. and

Chapter 19  
  
There is no 19th story and there is no Ms.Zarves. Oops! Wrong book.   



	20. thanks

Chapter 20  
  
Arthur and Wonko spotted Zaphod walking into Islington leading Fenchurch and Marvin. They followed them on foot but again found themselves surrounded by politicians blocking them from saving Fenchurch.  
Meanwhile, Ford began digging in a random spot, it seemed like the best idea at the time. There, oddly enough, he found the book; he put it under his arm and ran off to help the others.  
  
Zaphod was ready for the ceremony. Trillian's mummy and Fenchurch were on a ceremonial table. He had his spell written down. He had his Altoids tm. He had his towel and soon he would have his love. Fenchurch screamed when he began chanting but didn't stand up and try to escape because if she did Marvin would throw a spoon at her, and those things really do hurt.  



	21. for

Chapter 21  
  
The group quickly beat all the politicians who tried unsuccessfully to bore them to death. Hasn't anyone told them that violence, not words is the answer? You might say, no, because the answer is 42, and you would be right.  
They ran into the room where Zaphod was. Trillian had been brought back to life and was jabbering about how much she needed a cup of coffee right now. Zaphod was holding his handy dandy pocketknife above Fenchurch to finish the ceremony and was about to sacrifice   
her. Wonko yelled, "NOOOOO!" as he saw the blade being slowly lowered.  
  
Zaphod stopped and shot Wonko an odd look. Ford said in an irritated voice, "Wonko, it's my turn." He cleared his throat a few times and stepped forward. He spread his arms, throwing them up into the air. Finally he yelled, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"   
  
Zaphod continued to lower the blade and Fenchurch continued to scream. She screamed so loud he got earaches in all of his 4 ears. The blade inched closer and closer to Fenchurch, who   
looked at her watch and eventually muttered, "What is he waiting for?" in between her screams of terror.  
Suddenly, but not unexpectedly, Arthur emerged from the shadows. Ford distracted Zaphod by yelling, "Look over there!" and pointing at the ceiling excitedly. Arthur knocked the blade out of Zaphod's hands, punched Marvin and picked up Fenchurch to carry her to safety. Heroic music was playing in his head.  
  
Fenchurch yelped, "Hey! What am I, some weak little girl who needs to be carried to safety? Put me down!"  
"Okay, sorry," said Arthur, his face red. He put her down and within seconds she tripped over her own feet, fell on her butt and begged Arthur to help her weak little self escape from the big scary monster.  



	22. all

Chapter 22  
How cute! Arthur helped Fenchurch who looked at him with increasingly soft eyes. She pushed her long dark hair behind her ears with her fingers and dreamed of riding off into the sunset with him. She felt his heart beat and got lost in the moment, so lost she began to think like a romance novel, thinking silly wishy-washy thoughts about her and Arthur. She thought of all the things she could whisper in his ear, finally deciding on..  
"SNAP OUT OF IT FENNY!" yelled Ford, snapping her out of her mood, "we still have to beat this guy, remember?"  
"Oh, yeah, "remembered Fenchurch, she noticed the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy under Ford's arm and gasped, "Ford! Read the book."  
  
"The what?" he asked. Zaphod came up behind him and tried to bore him to death by talking about quadratic equations. Wonko bitch slapped him, which distracted him momentarily.  
"The BOOK!" screamed Fenchurch.  
"Oh, the book, why didn't you say so?" Ford sat down on the nearest rock and opened the book. Arthur, Fenchurch and Wonko prepared to defend Ford from Trillian and Zaphod who were joining powers now and began to make even the brave Wonko dizzy with fear, knowing that boredom caused by them could very easily kill all of them. Ford smiled, and began to read. 


	23. the

Chapter 23  
Some of the following will be quoted from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, which is, indisputably the best book ever to come out of the publishing corporations of whatever the hell it was published.  
"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow.. I can't make out this last word, it looks like a sun."  
"Could it be a sun?" commented Wonko.  
"Ah, yes, lies a small unregarded yellow sun."  
  
With that, Zaphod and Trillian turned into dust, it was too much for them to have to listen to the most interesting book ever, of course, their last words were far from interesting.  
"Bah humbug." remarked Zaphod.  
"So do I not get coffee?" asked Trillian.  
  
Wonko, Arthur and Fenchurch sat down around Ford to listen to the story and felt themselves all become truly happy. This book, it was the book of truth, his words reached throughout the world as he told the tales written by Douglas Adams. All wars stopped, everyone everywhere sat down, held hands and listened. Even the real life politicians wiped away tears and swore to actually not abuse their power. High school seniors stopped beating up freshmen and hugged them, which scared them even more. And amazingly, all the people on death row for saying Belgium were fed to the bear immediately, instead of being made to wait so that the bear that liked eating people would also be happy. And somewhere, in the depths of this world, John P. Starbucks finally saw that he didn't need to build any more Starbucks. And that was the sweetest thing of all.  
  
This continued for a few days and finally ended at the end of Mostly Harmless, with "he put on some light music instead." With that, the world became its normal harsh place where kindness was just a 4-letter word for stupidity, no wait, that word is dumb, never mind.   



	24. fish

Chapter 24  
  
Fenchurch and Arthur looked at each other. The book had lead them to each other and in it there was also a described romance between them. Was this a coincidence? (No, because I wrote this story because of the Hitchhiker's Guide, it was totally predetermined) Arthur looked at Fenchurch and saw that she had some food around her mouth again. He pulled her close and they kissed, this time for real, once Arthur got the food he wasn't eager to escape. Ford rolled his eyes and Wonko went back to dolphin land. 30 minutes later, when Arthur and Fenchurch were done they rode off into the sunset, with Ford trailing behind, but on their way they all stopped at the nearby Starbucks, to get all lovey-dovey in public and to take a long awaited bathroom break.  
  
  
Well, that was my story. I hope you liked it, if you didn't I don't give a rat's behind. The Restaurante at the end of the Mummy, coming soon?   
How could I leave you without an epilogue?  
  
Epilogue  
Now wasn't that a load of feces? Oh no, I've attracted the Scarab beetles, stay back!  
  



End file.
